Beauty Routine

I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m basically perfect in the looks department.


I’m sure you’re wishing you knew some of my beauty tips and tricks and I’m here to help a sista out.

We’ll start from the bottom up.

  1. Keep your toenails painted at all times. Because you’re feet are always dirty.  The brighter the color, the less people are likely to notice the fact that your pinkie toe on your left foot is literally being held on by a Band-Aid and that both of your feet are basically just dirty calluses.
  2. Never wear cute shoes.  No one spends much time looking at your feet if you’re wearing the same pair of sandals you’ve worn every day for the last 3 summers.
  3. Legs.  You can shave them or you can spend your time making cheese instead.  The adventure is yours.
  4. To prevent unsightly mosquito bites, spider bites, scratches, poison ivy, and other woodland battle wounds: follow everything I do through the safety of the internet and not actually do it.  There is no preventing it.  You can just make better life choices than I have.
  5. Midsection.  Work out.  Or don’t.  Cover it.  Or don’t.  I recommend you ask my friend, Kath, for advice on crop tops.  Only she knows the secret.
  6. Arms: See Legs.
  7. Hands.  See Legs and Arms.
  8. Face. Wash it when it’s gross.  Don’t use your dog and cat as a pillows/face masks to avoid nighttime tick transfers.
  9. Hair. Just give up.  In Virginia it’s too humid.  Just give up.  Pick out another toe nail polish and stick with that.
  10. Just brush your teeth twice a day, shower as needed, cover the sometimes lingering smell of goat with a nice perfume, slap on an earring or two and wear bright colors. Then everyone is drawn to your colors like a moth in a lantern instead of looking at your unsightly extremities.

HairMy hair ALWAYS looks nice.  Also.  Check out that sweet goat face.

This routine takes me about 14 minutes every day.  And if I can find time for all this, you can  too.


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